


for every kind stranger, there is one who would break you

by ships_to_sail



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode: s17e22 Intersecting Lives, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 23:49:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14147304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ships_to_sail/pseuds/ships_to_sail
Summary: “Why are you telling me this, Carisi? It's not that I don't appreciate it, but…”“Just thought maybe you'd want to know that needing to throw up in a courthouse bathroom after a random stranger threatens to murder you in broad daylight isn't an unforgivable reaction, counselor.”





	for every kind stranger, there is one who would break you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Power-Bottom-Barba (Cap_Against_The_Clap)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cap_Against_The_Clap/gifts).



> Because scared/vulnerable Barba is some of the best Barba we rarely get to see.
> 
> Title from the amazing Maggie Smith poem ["Good Bones"](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/89897/good-bones).
> 
> Standard disclaimers, and the tip jar is always open for comments and kudos.

_ “A threat? No. A threat would be right here, right now, I shove you down these steps and get your skull cracked open. Bleeding to death.” _

“Hey, everything alright?”

“Not really. Someone just threatened to kill me.”

“What?”

“Who was it?”

“Just a face in the crowd. Tell the squad to watch their backs. This is just the beginning.”

He walked away until he was around the corner, out of sight of the squad, and pressed his back against the wall. His breath was coming in quick, shallow gasps and he reached up to loosen his tie. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't swallow. He was going to be sick.

He ducked through a side door onto the ground floor of the courthouse and practically threw himself into the nearest bathroom. He bent over the toilet and reteched, cold sweat breaking out along his hairline and the back of his neck.

He was such a fucking idiot. Who gave out their home address to someone making death threats. ‘ _ You're not the little boy from the Bronx anymore, Rafi’,  _ his grandmother's voice chided him. His legs were shaking and he gagged before throwing up a third time, stomach empty and angry. A metallic taste filled his mouth as his brain swam and black dots floated on the edge of his vision.

“It's the adrenaline. You gotta breathe through it.” A quiet voice said from behind him.

He started so fiercely he knocked his head on the rim of the toilet and swore. He stood up too fast and the world twisted on it's axis. He rotated and was lucky to drop his ass onto the toilet and not the floor.

“Shit, Carisi, you scared me.” His fingers shook as he undid the knot in his tie and popped open the top button on his dress shirt. His stomach was settling, but he still felt like he couldn't get enough oxygen into his body.

Sonny chuckled, low and short, leaning against the opening of the bathroom stall and cupping the back of his neck with one hand. He blushed, and Rafael refused to notice the way his teeth worked at his lower lip, not while he still felt half a step from death.

“Sorry, it's just. I ran into the Lieu and she told me what happened and when I saw you come in here…” his voice trailed off and he gazed at Rafael with tender concern in his eyes.

That's just how his eyes were. Tender concern was Sonny Carisi’s standard mode of operation. It.didn't have anything to do with Rafael. It couldn't.

Rafael waved a hand through the air and tried to smile, forcing out a grimace instead. “I'm fine. Really.”

Carisi just raised an eyebrow and shook his head, pushing off the stall and disappearing from Rafael's line of sight. He heard the tap turn on, a series of rustling sounds, and then the detective was back, handing him a cold wet paper towel that felt delicious in his fevered hands.

If it felt good holding it, it was practically orgasmic when he dropped his head and pressed it to the back of his neck. He gave a begrudging grunt of thanks and the silence stretched between, warm and not uncomfortable.

“You must think I'm ridiculous,” Rafael said after a few minutes, folding the now-lukewarm paper towel in his long fingers. Carisi didn't respond, and after another stretch of silence, Rafael finally looked up.

The look on the detective’s face was dark, his brow furrowed. When he spoke, his voice was heavy. “Actually, I was thinking you're pretty fucking brave to be going after the COs union to begin with, and that it's disgusting you gotta deal with shit like this on the blowback.”

“You all deal with shit like this all the time. William Lewis. What happened with Raina Punjabi.”

Sonny shivered, and something in his eyes shuttered closed. It made Rafael sad, an ache underneath the still fragile panic. “Yeah. Well. I'm a cop. It literally comes with the job. You didn't sign on for this.”

Rafael nodded and began to shred the paper towel he was holding. He was waiting for...something. Carisi to leave, ostensibly, but mostly to feel normal in his own skin again. After a few more seconds, Sonny gave one single nod of his own and turned to leave before spinning back around and shoving his hands in his pockets. Apparently he wasn't done talking after all.

“I didn't. Deal. With the Raina thing. After what happened,” he swallowed and looked everywhere.in the bathroom but at Rafael. “I didn't sleep well. I'm still not sleeping well. I threw up every day for a week. Sometimes it passes, but then I wake up and hear that guy saying ”prepare to be slaughtered" and I'm back to the shakes and cold sweats.”

“But that was-"

“-a while ago, yeah,” Sonny cut him off, sounding exhausted. “Anyway.”

“Why are you telling me this, Carisi? It's not that I don't appreciate it, but…”

“Just thought maybe you'd want to know that needing to throw up in a courthouse bathroom after a random stranger threatens to murder you in broad daylight isn't an unforgivable reaction, counselor.”

“I gave him my address,” Rafael blurted before he could stop himself. His green eyes stared intensely at the detective, wide and vulnerable and full of a deep fear he hoped Sonny could understand. The fear he'd gone too far. Crossed a line he couldn't uncross. He knew it was written all over his face, because it was the only thought running through his head. Pure, unadulterated fear.

Rafael watched Sonny’s jaw clench, his hands curling into visible fists in his pockets. He smiled, thin and tight. “That might not have been the best idea.”

The understated reaction was enough to jar Rafael into laughter, and he felt something deep in his chest unclench. He stood, and this time the world stayed right side up. Sonny shifted slightly in the doorway, concern and something dangerous pulling down the edges of his mouth.

When he didn't move entirely, Rafael slid his body past the detective, hand coming up to squeeze gratefully at the detective’s shoulder. Some part of him noticed the firm line of muscle there, but he didn't have time to register a conscious thought before Sonny was wrapping long arms around him and pulling him in for a hug.

He stiffened momentary, surprised and unused to casual displays of physical affection. He wasn't a hugger. But as Sonny's large hand spread wide between his shoulder blades, the other sitting low, almost cupping his hip, Rafael let himself pretend to be. He sank into the other man's warmth, the clean smell of soap and laundry detergent. He wrapped his arms loosely around the other man's waist and was reluctant to let go after a few beats.

The detective stepped away and smiled, moving out of the way and letting Rafael get to the sink, where he splashed more cold water on his face and rinsed out his mouth.

“I'm gonna go track down the Lieu, see if she needs someone to take point on finding whoever did this.”

“You gonna volunteer, detective? Thought the whole point was to catch the guy.”

Carisi laughed, the bright sound filling the small bathroom, bouncing off the tile and working its way underneath Rafael's skin.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh now, but you'll see.” He caught Rafael's eye in the mirror over the sink, the humor gone from his voice and his eyes flashing. “We'll catch him, Rafael.” Carisi’s voice was low and menacing, and Rafael almost felt sorry for the bastard on the other end of the promise. Almost.

“You take care of yourself,” Rafael said, still holding his gaze in the mirror.

“You too, counselor. Maybe don't go handing out any more business cards, yeah?” His mouth tipped up in a wry smile.

Rafael chuckled. “Don't worry. That was my last one.”

“What a waste.”

They exited together, almost smiling.


End file.
